Friday, October 29, 2010

Wherein I succumb to my foot in mouth disease

So there is something that you should know about me, I suffer from a virulent form of open mouth insert foot disorder.  It's a common source of amusement to my friends and I hope it will continue to be for you too.

Some examples:

1. Performing my Mike Myers "old Jewish lady"  impression for a group of new coworkers, one of which,  unbeknownst to me at the time was herself and oldish Jewish Lady... (who is rather SENSITIVE about such things as it turns out...)

2.  Arriving at an Eating Disorders clinical conference and joking about the abundance of food, "Thank God there's food, I thought I might starve at an Eating Disorders Conference"  only to be pointedly told by the young skinny women behind the registration counter..."Yes, SOME of us are in recovery...)  oops. Hungry people are cranky....

3.  Flippantly asking the group of young, overdressed strangers at a large regional staff meeting, "What, are you here for a job interview or something?" and when they looked at me blankly I followed up with a sarcastic, "Ok, never mind, I just WORK here, maybe could have helped you out..."  Only then to realize (I cringe when I think about it...) that they were here for the ceremonial planting of a tree that our agency had arranged in  honour of their recently deceased  father, a past employee with our service.  Many profuse apologies followed, and I hid in the back during the group photo....not my best day.   My only consolation is that their father, a really great guy named Bill, was probably laughing his ass off at me from the great beyond...he was that type of guy.

4.  Asking the same Jewish lady if she was knitting socks for Christmas presents... (withering look, "No, maybe for HANUKKAH....)  Oh, right.....

5.Reaching out to touch the Turban of a Sikh man that I work with, right after I missed the table conversation about how it is the highest insult to touch the turban of a Sikh.  Made worse by the Meep Meep sound I made as I pinched it, made worse by the follow-up: Oh, shit,  now what you have to do some kind of cleanse now?  Is there livestock, light of the moon, blood or stabbing me with our ceremonial dagger involved???  Is this going to take up my weekend?   (They guy is a good sport and loves to laugh, which only egged me on to engage in the highly inappropriate  follow-up)

6.  The old, insult someone to someone else and send the insultee an email by mistake with that conversational thread in it....she totally deserved it.  She was a cold skinny big haired be-otch and  I stand behind calling her "the unfriendly duck"  harsh I know....

7.  Are you still reading or are you rolling on the floor, stomach clenched in  vicarious cringe-cramps?  Well here's the latest.....

Remember the rather sensitive Jewish woman?  Well we were all having a group conversation about her name, which is very similar to another co-worker's name (think Lydia and Lynda). People confuse them all of the time an Lynda remarked on this fact.  So Lydia (the Jewish woman) states that she could go by her Hebrew name of Pescha (pronounced Pesh-a).  I said "Cool, it rhymes with the singer (it's a stretch to call her that I know...) Kei$ha (pronounced Kesh-a for those of us who are slightly south of cool...)  You could go on tour, Pescha and Keisha, you could put a dollar sign in your name...."

Now,  it took one maybe two seconds for the full impact of suggesting to an extremely touchy Jewish woman that she put a dollar sign in her HEBREW name...  I had a quick thought of  "Surely to God, she knows that Keisha has a dollar sign in her name, she can't possibly thing that I've suggested that based on the stereotype of Jewish people being tight-fisted and preoccupied with money"  Wait, she's leaving the room looking angry, muttering something about "Golden Haired SHISKAS" , which we actually  established earlier in the day was a derogatory term for a non-Jewish woman..

I have to stop writing now, I'm on day two of the apology that will last 40 days and 40 nights.

Oy, Vey, I'm getting all  VERKLEMPT!


  1. Commenting - see? SEE???

    I don't need to read about this, I've lived it by standing beside you, my mouth agape in horror as you say these things to people. As I said, you need a translator. You can say the things that pop into your head to me and I will alter them into a still funny yet palatable option and pass them along to the rest of the world. :)

  2. Oh. My. Lord. I'm still peeing at the touching of the turban....