On Camping and other "C" words.....

Well, well well... who knew it could happen?  A family vacation during which I do not cry once?  It only took 10 years for us to be able to leave with the boys out of the house and not wish for the sweet realease of.. oh, wait, maybe I shouldn't joke about that anymore, given present circumstances.

Ahem,

So i guess I'll put this experience into the gratitude category which has gotten a lot longer as of late.  I have to work carefully to control the behavior of my mind.  It is so easy to get scared and say "what if.. and worry about whether the dreaded beastie will decide to spread, now or down the road.  Granted, it has a 95% chance of never making another uninvited appearance, but that 5% will niggle at you, if you let it.  It is an unpredictable beast and when my mind wants to dwell on this I must control it's behavior, like that of a toddler.  Re-direct, distract, give it ice-cream.

Counting my blessings is a great way to change the direction of my meandering brain.  This experience has given me as much as it has taken away, I am awestruck by the kindness and thoughtfulness of my friends, and people who hardly know me, but still go out of their way with a kind message or gesture or a gift.  I have learned that my family is not a bunch of people who wait until all of my work is done to get a scrap of my time, nor should they be.  I have given myself permission to carve out time to take care of myself, to say no and to not feel obligated.  I have learned that the phrase "it's not life or death" really means just that, because I now have a context to compare.

When the doctor gives you the "C" diagnosis, you really, genuinely believe in that moment that you are going to die, that your children will be motherless, that you will miss everything from that point on.  To then find out you are probably going to be ok is really to have your life yanked from you, re-molded and given back in a new form.  That new form is often given in a perspective that few get to truly experience.

It is a small club with a very shitty inititation ceremony, but I'm so glad to have it's membership.