Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Rules are there for a reason...

Ok so I'm going to write a little about myself here today, the blog is  usually about my blood sucking energy vampires darling children and the general decline in mental function that I experience when trying to play the role of zookeeper responsible parent.

But...there is more to me than just my relationship to the ankle biting set...I have other stuff in my life too.    I belong to a community Theatre group with my BFF's Dawn and CO.  Being shameless attention whores and general exhibitionists, this is a good fit for us, and gives me an outlet for some real drama, not just the cascades of screamy thoughts that rises to crashing crecendos of catastrophe inside of my head.  A little alliteration anyone??

So anyway, Our group has just finished a production of a play. It was a blast.  The thing is, I have this co-star that plays opposite of me, my love interest in the play.  The guy is a bit of a narcissist and for some reason had been bragging all week about how good of a dancer he was.

So after the show we hit a club to do some dancing and shooting pool and the like.  We hit the floor where the guy proceeds to break the cardinal rules of guy dancing:

1.  DO NOT back your butt up against the girl with your arms in the air in the "raise the roof" position. This is never attractive, it is a typical girl move, typically done by too drunk 20 somethings in  a desperate bid for male attention, not attractive in any case.  Do not offer your wildly contorting body to me in some sort of a "behold, you may now lay hands on me" offering.  I'll take the head of a chicken, thankyou.

2.  DO NOT raise your hands past chest level, at any point during the dancing.  Possible exceptions: A. Punjabi wedding B. Rock concert fist pumping C.Songs like  "Jump Around"D by House of Pain or other old school early nineties hip hop..hip hip HORRAY...OOHHHH ...AAAYYY...OHHHH... You get the picture.

3. DO NOT lead with your shoulders.  Men, move your hips in small movements, do not make big lunging movements with your jangley legs, having just had the path cleared with your shaking shoulders.

4. DO NOT dance with Jangly legs....big steps, legs wide apart.  Think, white boys at a barn dance.

5. DO NOT do the side-clap while wildly bobbing your head.  I mean the "I really want to be a spanish Matator, Ole!" side clapping hands up high by the side of the head, or like your a rich guy at a long table in a Carol Burnett skit, summoning the butler to take away the butter.

6.  DO NOT try to garner more attention than the girl that you are dancing with.  Men, you are there to be accessories to us on the dancefloor.  Keep your movements small and your eyes on us, don't look around the room to see who may be watching you.

7.  Most of all, if you are trying to impress someone with your dancing, DO NOT come up to them casually afterward and say, "So, how's my dancing?"

You might just get the attention you were looking for as the crowd watches me vomit all over your shoes.


  1. Oh my god, you were in a play with my ex!

  2. Dear God, was he a deluded, self-absorbed adulterous opportunist? Poor you, yay for him being an EX!

  3. Deluded, definitely. I feel bad venting too much negativity about him, but good lord, he was a terrible dancer. Thought he was amazing. Truly, sincerely amazing. Had no idea that everyone was staring at him for entirely the wrong reasons. He used to try to give tips and pointers to other guys. "Don't be afraid to raise your arms over your head" was one of those tips.

    He was also convinced that people would drool over his "well-turned calves." ...Not so much.

  4. I'm so laughing at the "don't be afraid to raise your arms over your head" pointer..... the heterosexual line is at chest level...unless one of the aforementioned exceptions applies. Now your hubby feeds you whilst you blog. Lucky girl!

  5. For the record, this is not sodramatic's first run in with a bad dancer. Once at a dance in high school, she went over on her ankle while we were both dancing with new boyfriends. I immediately helped her to the washroom to assess the damage . . . only to find out that it was all faked simply because her date at the time was SUCH a horrible dancer.

    He was more 'swimming' without water than raising his hands (kind of a breast stroke kind of action) but there end result was the same - baaaaad dancer with whom one did not want to be associated!