Time marches on.. and stomps on my head.

Well, it is happening.  I don't know if I thought I would get off easy, that I would be lucky.  It's strange because through all of this I've always felt incredibly blessed and lucky in my life and I continue to feel that way.  I caught the cancer early, it was a stage 1, it was ER/PR + and HR- (the best type of breast cancer to get, you know...) and the tumour was mucinous, which tend not to spread, and the lymph nodes were clear.  So I thought I had the proverbial cancer horseshoe up my ass.

I thought, maybe I wouldn't lose my hair, even though I said out loud "I will definititely lose my hair" to anyone who suggested I may not.  I guess deep down inside, maybe I thought I would be lucky.  Anyway, as I was blow-drying my hair yesterday (day 13.. LUCKY!) after chemo round #1, and I noticed long strands coming out all over my hands.  I tentatively pulled at a few strands, and sure enough.. out they came.

Even though I said, it's only hair, it will grow back, I'll have a nice wig, it was always an abstract idea that has quickly become concrete.

I feel sad and this sucks and it makes it real in way that wasn't before.

My daughter just silently walked over to me and threw her arms around my waist,  which was the exact right thing to do.  She didn't try to make me feel better or "bright side" it away.

I got in the shower and I didn't know whether to scrub it all out to get it over with or to baby it to try to stave off the inevitable a little longer.   I guess the middle path is always the right one, so I'll baby it until my scheduled hair appointment in a week, at which time I will cut it off short.  That way if it goes patchy or wonky up there, I can just plop the wig (whose name is Lindsay.. says the wig maker) on top until I buzz it.  That's the plan.

I just have to let this happen as it will, it's going to anyway.  I guess I'll take a pass on this one and save the luck for the important stuff, like living till 100 after I beat this thing.